So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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