Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
