the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
you never un-have a 4some
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
