Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
