Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
