look no pants
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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