I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
