Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
