Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
