I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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