why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
