Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
