Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
