Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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