I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
