Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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