if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
