Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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