Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
