it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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