Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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