Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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