I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
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He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
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bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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