I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
