I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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