What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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