dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
