I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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