the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
How does one acquire holy water?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
