Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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