I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
