i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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