i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
