You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
