dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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