Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
