I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize