Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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