America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
And then the night went full on bisexual.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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