All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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