News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i will never coherently bang her
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
