the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
