I wish I could punch you in the face.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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