my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
