God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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