My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
