I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
