there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
