TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
