And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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