Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
