How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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